Control
by starsjustpassingby
Summary: Quinn is trying to get her pre-baby body back. She feels fat, ugly, useless. So she's going to drastic measures to lose weight. She's making sure no one finds out, especially not her mother or Puck. She wants control over her body, but sometimes you feel in control when something is controlling you. Warning: Heavy topic covered. Eating disorder.


I can feel the ache. The rumbling sound is getting louder as the hours tick by. I love this feeling. I know that I shouldn't. It's unhealthy in some people's eyes, and it's dangerous of course. But lots of things are dangerous; walking down the street, having sex, chopping vegetables. So really, this shouldn't be seen as that bad.

The amount of fat on my body is repulsive. I used to be pretty. After I went through my transformation from Lucy to Quinn, I actually felt like I was stunning. I was skinny, I had great skin, everything was perfect. Then the situation with Beth came along, and I knew withing the first four months of my pregnancy that I was going to have to work extra hard to get this baby weight off. I have stretchmarks. Lots of them, they're all over my thighs, and my hips. There's some on my stomach too, but not as bad as the other spots.

I'm so disgusting. Which is why I need to do what I can to make myself thin again. The extra workouts are not cutting it. If I want this off, I need to step up my game. And that's exactly what I've started to do. I've already gotten myself back on the Cheerios. That was step one. Step two is simpler. Sue put me on a diet. She says I'll need to diet if I'm going to be hoisted into the air by the other girls. Thankfully for me, she wants me on her cleanse. That saves me the work of having to shove my fingers down my throat. So between using the cleanse when I can't get out of eating, and just not eating at all, I know that I can do this. I only want to get rid of enough weight and fat so that I can see my hipbones again. I want to have a more predominant collarbone. I don't want my thighs touching either. The amount of fat on those is gross. All of me is gross.

Puck doesn't know about what's going on. Mom doesn't know.. It's better this way, if they knew, they would try to stop me.. They both care about me, and I know that they do, and I don't want it to hurt them.

So my rules for this are pretty simple when I think about it.

**1. Don't let them know.**

**2. Don't cave and eat on unscheduled days. **

**3. Don't get any fatter.**

**4. Stick to a daily routine.**

Nothing overly complex about the rules, but I think that they're all equally important in a situation like this. I can get myself thin, and nobody needs to know my secrets. I have been through so much, and I deserve to feel good about myself. I had lost everything. I had no family, no control, no status. I'm gaining things back, and now, the only thing left is control. I feel in control with this. Being pregnant, I couldn't control what happened to my body. I had no say in how big my belly got because of her, and I couldn't just stop eating for a day, not without hurting her.

The best part about my mom taking me back in, is that I don't have to worry about doing this on a friend's house. My mom goes to work now to support us, and she has crazy hours. I'm alone for most of the day, so I can go about my routine without her getting suspicious. Luckily I don't have to see my dad. If I did, I don't know what I'd do with myself, because he would figure it out. He'd know, and I know that for a fact. He'd send me away because he would think I needed help to become his standard of normal. But I'm not that perfect little girl that they both used to want me to be.

Today on the schedule: Work out for 40 minutes before school, shower, eat 3 baby carrots for breakfast. Then, school. Skip lunch, spend it studying in the library. After school, go to glee club. Once that gets out, another 40 minute workout before I take some time to write down my calories burned, taken in, and my exercise time. That's all I have to do until mom comes home. Once she's home, I'm going to go for a run. I did that every night when I was a freshman, it kept me in shape. She won't question that. Once I'm home, I'll shower, and sit with her to let her rant about her day.

Every day is the same, but I like it that way. The only time plans change? If I have Cheerios instead of Glee, or when Puck decides he wants to steal my time for an hour or two before mom gets home. The days where I eat are weird. It's hard to even swallow the food, but I need something tiny if I want to survive.

I'm nervous to go to school. It's a risk to go, because you never know how much people are going to notice. Being popular, everyone looks at you. And the damn uniform I have to wear every day shows off everything. People judge me. I know how to brush it odd, but it still sucks.

Puck just honked his horn. He has this thing lately with driving me to school. Ever since Beth, he seems to want to spend more time with me. He said he loved me. But we aren't anything right now other than friends. I think that's for the better, my schedule doesn't give me time for a boyfriend. I guess we'll have to see how it goes today.

i walked out of the house with my bag and my house key, locking the door behind me. Going out to Puck's truck, I sighed.

"It's embarrassing to have to come to school in this beat up truck, with you." It was mean to say, but it wasn't totally untrue.

"Someone woke up in the wrong side of the bed. My bad for thinking you appreciated this."

I rubbed my hand over his arm as he pulled away from the house. he looked over at me, and smiled a bit. I smiled back softly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. But maybe you should give the truck a paint job or something so it's not so beaten up looking."

He nodded, shrugging. He didn't say anything else the rest of the way to school.


End file.
